A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
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Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
💻🤡
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Breaking news:
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”