3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
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I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
This guy gets it.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.