Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
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I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out