[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
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Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Lmao the reply
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back