Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
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ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
consequences, the bane of my existence
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
i think both sides are to blame here
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
This pepper has seen some shit
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them