My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
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Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
absolute chaos
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.