Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
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I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.