I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
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me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
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Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.