Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
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I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
no cat here
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.