i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
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Spell check is for lasers.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.