I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
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[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
As the Lord intended
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
My brain is a bad influence on me
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.