Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
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Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus