I hope Alan is OK
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I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
The future is now.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
house sitting!
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
Beware of the dog..