Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
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Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
What the dentist sees
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog