AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
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Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family