this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
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Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?