i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too π§π»ββοΈ
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Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
You are what you eat? Iβm about to become sandals
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
God: youβre a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means Iβve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
My twinsβ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so Iβm just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and itβs yours.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Letβs get cotton candy next.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Dietician: βI can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.β
Me: βIs there an elevator?β