NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
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(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
Does your wife know you’re single?
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
wtf is an acronym
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Education is vital