Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
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I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.