“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
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Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
What in the hipster hell is going on here
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
Note to self: I am a note
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.