Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
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The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
you stereotypes are all alike
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”