“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
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“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Human are so complicated
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen