Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
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How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
This classic never gets old . . .
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Heroic Misunderstanding
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him