called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
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HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.