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Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
cyclists
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore