My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
You Might Also Like
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.