I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
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My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”