My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
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Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Sheep
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.