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Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder