I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
You Might Also Like
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
*pronounces patio like ratio
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning