I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
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*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Kids: Stay in school.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
No laws when master is gone
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
FINE, I WON’T.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”