You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
You Might Also Like
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
crazy
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g