Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
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Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Dear Lord..
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer