Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
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GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
reviewed some movies recently
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”