*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
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Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.