If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
You Might Also Like
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.