Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
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Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing