4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
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“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Ummm
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”