*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
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if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…