I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
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My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Ferrari squats
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
If only.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!