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“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
me adding lol on a serious message
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
“The Perfect Relationship”
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”