Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
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[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
me irl
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.