Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
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Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Siri: Retweet me.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.