We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
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*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
This is me 🤣🤣
goldfish mafia
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test