The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
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There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?