Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
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Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]