Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
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PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
I…do not understand how electricity works.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Finally!
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”