If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
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“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
Just parrot things
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair