Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
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Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
This made me chuckle.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
I saw nothing
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.