I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
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Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
this article brought to you by lions
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.